I don’t get it. I really don’t. At their worst, this bunch of Idol contestants is capable of epic levels of fail. When they’re good, though… they’re pretty good. So which is which? For the good of this season, I hope it’s closer to the latter. Chances of that happening… I’m not optimistic.

Siobhan Magnus… oh dear. Last week, I was essentially telling her, “don’t jump!” Well, she did jump. Yikes. There’s no hiding the fact that it was awful. The power notes were screechy – a sign that she’s trying far too hard – but the rest was not all that good. It’s like she decided, stylistically, to mail in everything except the shouting. On its own, it wasn’t that bad, but in context with what Siobhan has been doing lately… no. just no.

On the whole risk-taking thing… when people say that, they almost always mean calculated risk. Calculated risk is all about taking risks, but doing so with some sort of underlying, calculated reason. Unfortunately, in the Idol context, most risks tend to be the stupid, I-took-risks-for-the-heck-of-it kind. Siobhan was not really an exception. You can only take calculated risks if you know what kind of singer you are, and right now I’m not sure Siobhan does. She knows what she doesn’t want, for sure, but that is not the same thing.

Casey James has, up to this point, been competent but boring. On both counts, he improved this week. Not by much, really, but small improvements added up to a much more compelling performance. The vocals were good, the performance was just enough not to be completely dull… but overall, a fairly strong performance. Nothing exactly groundshaking, but completely respectable.

Michael Lynche did something which, as far as I can remember, is unique in Idol history. He was behind the judges and just sat there. Overall, it was a supremely controlled, emotionally connected performance. If there’s anything bad I can say about it, it’s this: it was good, but it didn’t have that one defining moment that raised it to the next level. It was good, very good in fact – but not quite great.

Rarely has there been such a disconnect between what we saw in the pre-song promo and the actual performance. Didi Benami said she was emotional, but I never saw that in the singing. It was flat, unemotional, and just plain boring. The song may move Didi, but she didn’t do anything to move the rest of us.

On the other hand, Didi looked fantastic next to Tim Urban. When even the Idol mentor – Usher this time – has difficulty believing someone is real – guess what. You’re in trouble. Deep, deep, deep trouble. I was half looking for a teleprompter that Tim was reading the lyrics off. Rarely have such emotional lyrics been delivered with less conviction. Is he having fun? Good for him. The rest of us? Not so much.

Andrew Garcia is clearly a case of Your Mileage May Vary. For me, personally, it just doesn’t work. Andrew is just not our cup of tea. So, I’m going to grade him on how close he came to what he wanted to do. Andrew’s formula for success really is stripping down songs and performing an acoustic version, and by far he did that reasonably well this week. Infinitely better than last week, and I suppose a lot of people will like it.

Katie Stevens was, well, consistent. Chain of Fools wasn’t bad, wasn’t good, but didn’t belong in a singing show. It didn’t feel like a singer singing on a stage; it was more a very good-looking actress singing reasonably well, but not much more than that.

One thing Lee DeWyze just doesn’t do: subtle. I’m not quite sure how much resemblance his version of Treat Her Like A Lady had to the original, but I somehow doubt it. To give Lee the credit he deserves: the vocals were good, the song and arrangement were both inspired, and it was a very well-done performance overall. He did good, but was it great? I’m not so sure.

Crystal Bowersox had her “worst” night, but let’s put that in context: it was still pretty good. Her vocals weren’t as sharp as we’ve seen before, but to be honest that was probably the piano. She’s probably not used to performing with a piano on stage, so she couldn’t let her vocals do as well as she otherwise would have. More than doing well or not-so-well on one night, however, what she proved tonight was she didn’t have to stand behind a mike stand, guitar in hand, to do reasonably well. Midnight Train To Georgia has a fairly distinguished history on Idol and in all fairness Crystal lived up to it. Well done.

Aaron Kelly closed out the show in the “pimp slot”, but I’m not sure why somebody thought this was a good idea. It was vaguely like Katie’s performance in quality – not good, not bad, but just meh. Aaron Kelly is talented, sure, but he is far too green for this show.

Here’s how we rank the show:

1. Crystal Bowersox
2. Lee DeWyze
3. Michael Lynche
4. Casey James
5. Andrew Garcia
6. Katie Stevens
7. Aaron Kelly
8. Siobhan Magnus
9. Didi Benami
10. Tim Urban

One chance to screw up: Siobhan was awful today, but let’s be honest: she’s not going home. Her performance wasn’t wretchedly awful to send her home right away, and the bad reviews she got won’t kill her chances. She’ll get a pass.

Based on their performances, the two most vulnerable are Didi and Tim. If it were just performance, this is no question: Tim should go home. He’s been awful just about every week. His trainwrecks don’t even have the Sanjaya Malakar quality of being entertaining. Let’s be blunt: Tim is, right now, in the Sanjaya Zone of ineptitude. (His formal “induction” will be when he finally gets the boot.) He is just out and out awful.

Tim has a fanbase, though. He’s a likable fellow, and probably is a nice guy. Idol voters don’t always vote for the best singer; many will vote for a singer they like so long as he’s not terrible, and maybe even that won’t stop them.

Didi, though, is in serious trouble. It’s doubtful she’s had much of an opportunity to build a fanbase. She’s been good, but not great, and she hasn’t had that one performance that really stood out. So she doesn’t have the insurance that Tim has.

This is as probably as “simple” a boot as one can expect this season, but here’s a warning. Don’t be shocked if either Katie or Andrew end up in the bottom three or worse. Katie’s fanbase is suspect – we found that out last week. Andrew did very well this week, but it’s entirely possible that they could relax this week. A Katie “shocker” is in the cards.

Still, though, I’m calling it for…

TIG Pick: Didi Benami to go home.

Simon made much of the fact that whoever was cut this week wouldn’t make the tour. He even compared it to scoring five numbers out of six in the lottery.

I have to say, though, that on pure merit alone you could cut the tour to about… six or so and I’d have very little argument. It’s hard to see who deserves to be on the tour less: Tim Urban or Andrew Garcia. (At least Tim will keep the tweens happy; who exactly is voting for Andrew nowadays?)

Paige was the first to go home after singing Against All Odds, and frankly she richly deserved to go home. I predicted her to be safe this week, but that was all due to non-singing factors. However, last year at this time the Idol voters were very rational: it looks like the same will hold this year. Unfortunately, there’ll be a lot of bad singing to go through before we get to the real competitors.

The only real surprise was Katie being in the bottom three and Andrew not being there. In all likelihood, it was because of Andrew’s fanbase knowing he stunk and voting like mad to save him. Apparently, there are still enough of those not just to save him, but get him out of the bottom three. After a performance that was just about as dismal as Paige’s, he should have been at least in the bottom three, if not the bottom two. He could give Tim Urban a run for the Sanjaya Malakar Award, given to the worst finalist for any Idol season.

Mentors – Damned If You Do, Damned If You Don’t: After watching this episode, I’ve come to this conclusion: Idol mentors are simply more trouble than they’re worth.

The trouble is that there’s a huge, huge, huge conflict between the kind of people who make good mentors, and the kind of music those good mentors bring. Historically, the best Idol mentors have been older musicians with a great deal of experience and, frequently, a lot of experience not just in singing, but as producers. Barry Manilow may be something of a comic punchline to many people, but as an Idol mentor he was excellent.

The trouble is, though, that to get that kind of experience mentors generally bring an older theme to the table. Usually, what they’ll bring is well over the 30-year-limit that seems to be the Red Line of Idol song relevancy. (Anything older and it becomes irrelevant for significant chunks of the Idol fanbase.)

On the other extreme, you can have younger, more relevant singers (and themes), but the flipside is as mentors they’re terrible. Even if the advice is right (as it mostly was in Miley’s case), it’s not clear if they can actually fix any problems they see. Let me put it this way: an older, more experienced might have been able to get Paige to sing something else. Or rein in Siobhan’s screaming tendencies. Miley had no chance of doing either.

An average mentor can tell an Idol contestant how to do song and arrangement A better. A good mentor can tell that same contestant that as well, if A really is the best thing to do. However, if it isn’t, they can find song and arrangement B, which would work so much better. Unfortunately, I can’t think of any “relevant” mentors who’d really be capable of doing that.

The Idol Power Rankings: With the top 10 in place, it’s time for our weekly rankings of how they stand.

1. Crystal Bowersox
Consistency, consistency, consistency. At her worst, she’s very good. At her best? Downright unstoppable. Our only advice? Don’t get cocky. A finals slot is not a sure thing. Ask Melinda Doolittle.

2. Siobhan Magnus
Oy. When she’s good, Siobhan is almost as good as Crystal is. Unfortunately, lately she’s been relying a little too much on yelling screaming singing glory notes. That could be a problem, but let’s be honest: is there anyone else even close?

(huge gap)

3. Casey James
Like Crystal, Casey is consistent. Unfortunately, he’s consistently meh. On the flip side, at least he hasn’t been too much of an utter disaster. So far.

4. Lee DeWyze
Take everything I said about Casey and apply it to Lee. He’s not as good, but he’s similarly “consistent”. Still, this high? Seriously? Only because everyone else has issues.

5. Didi Benami
Of anyone in this field, Didi has the most potential to go up. Unfortunately, she is just as capable of fouling things up. Will the real Didi please stand up?

6. Michael Lynche
He’s the male version of Didi. Lots of potential, but not a lot to show for it yet.

(gap)

7. Aaron Kelly
David Archuleta proved you could get to the finals with a lot of aw-shucks-ness, youth, and the ability to sing very well. Aaron falls short in the third category, but he’s not dreadful.

8. Katie Stevens
Well, if this were a beauty pageant Katie would probably do well. Heck, maybe even in a studio environment you could turn Katie into a half-decent singer. On the Idol stage… no. She’s not a live singer.

(large gap)

9. Tim Urban
When the annals of Idol history are finally written, bringing back Tim Urban will be recognized as a massive mistake. He was the 13th best guy? Surely you jest.

10. Andrew Garcia
Andrew shot to fame by doing a Paula Abdul song. Since then, it’s been all downhill. There’s no way to go except up – or out.

All in all, it’s an amazingly dismal top 10. This season is not going to be one for the ages, I think.

Oh brother. Our expectations for this week were… low. The original theme of Teen Idols gave us little room for optimism. News of the mentor – Miley Cyrus – left us wondering if The Onion had somehow managed to put out an official Fox/19E press release. I knew that this week, the Unintentional Comedy Scale was likely to be far, far, far higher than the Good Singing Scale.

And yet, despite the rock-low expectations, somehow, it was even worse. It wasn’t just bad; it was so bad it’s a worthy candidate for Worst Idol Episode Ever. Good grief. The only persons who seems to have liked it: the Worsters. Everyone else was cringing at utter horror, and trying to find moments to laugh at.

In any other week, Lee DeWyze would have been somewhere in sort-of-good-but-not-great territory. Decent vocals, good command of the stage and charisma, but somewhat forgettable. The fact that something like this was one of the night’s better performances, well…

Few songs have as wretched a history on Idol as Against All Odds. So why in the world did Paige Miles decide to do it? I don’t know. I’m better off not knowing, in all likelihood, given how utterly bad it was. Here’s some unsolicited advice to all future Idol contestants: never, ever, ever sing that song on the Idol stage. The Idol gods do not look kindly on contestants tempting fate with such a song title. And they have punished all seven contestants who have done it with bad performances. (Shockingly, however, no one has ever gone home singing Against All Odds. Even if they richly deserved it.)

As expected, Tim Urban sang quite poorly. His range of notes can be counted on one hand. We also discovered, however, that he can’t perform either. When he “slid” on the stage, it looked like he had slipped on a wet spot. It was all ridiculous, fake… and awful. Sanjaya Malakar, you now have some competition for the title of worst singer to make the tour.

While I’m on the topic of overused songs… I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing has tripped up a lot of good singers. It needs a lot of charisma, a powerful voice, and being able to project a huge stage presence. Steven Tyler is very hard to top. David Cook tried, and all he got was an “okay” performance. Allison Iraheta tried it last year, and it didn’t work for her either. Both DC and Allison are better singers than Aaron Kelly. The song has an epic, larger-than-life feel to it, and Aaron is not capable of performing on that level.

Crystal Bowersox‘s consistency is amazing. At her worst, she’s good; when she turns it up she’s unbeatable. She was great this week, and absolutely head and shoulders above everyone else. The song choice was (as usual) excellent, the vocals were good, the whole performance made sense. Well done.

I’m not quite sure how to rank Michael Lynch. It was well sung, sure, but something of a snoozer. Even after watching his song multiple times, it’s hard to remember any part of it. In short: it wasn’t good enough to spark good memories, not bad enough to have us cringing, and dull enough to be forgotten just minutes later. Mediocre.

As for Andrew Garcia… he was an even less competent version of Tim Urban tonight. The vocal range was just as nonexistent, and the performance was even more awkward than Tim’s. When you’re being compared to Tim Urban and coming out second best… you stink. You really, really, stink.

Here’s how bad the night was: Katie Stevens turned in another beauty-queen level performance and it was right about average. Really. This was a fairly inspired song choice: fairly recent, suitable for Katie’s style, and within her capabilities. Great? No. Good? Eh, maybe. Slightly above average is the best I’ve give it, but compared to too many of this week’s results… I’ll take it.

For Casey James it was a mixed bag. The song choice was good, the vocals were good, but it didn’t have that one defining moment that takes it from good to great. It would be respectable in any night, but maybe not much more than that. This week, though… one of the better ones.

Didi Benami wasn’t as bad as the judges said, but I can see where the criticism came from. The theatrics promised a vicious tiger, but the vocals were those of a meek newborn kitten. It wasn’t poorly sung by any means, but it was middling at best. Had Didi shown the edginess she had last week… this would have been a perfect chance to shine. As it was, it wasn’t particularly good.

Siobhan Magnus has a serious case of Glory Note-itis. It’s a fairly common condition among Idol contestants with good voices. Glory Note-itis is, essentially, when a singer forgets everything else about singing in favor of hitting the glory note, period. Siobhan had a serious case with Superstition. The rest of the vocals was actually good, but the glory note was an unmitigated screechfest. Easily, easily, the worst she’s done so far. It’s a pity; she could do so much better, but the feedback from the enablers of Glory Note-itis, the judges, is not helping.

Here’s how the night stood for us:

1. Crystal Bowersox
2. Casey James
3. Lee DeWyze
4. Siobhan Magnus
5. Michael Lynche
6. Katie Stevens
7. Didi Benami
8. Aaron Kelly
9. Tim Urban
10. Andrew Garcia
11. Paige Miles

TIG picks: Oh boy. Frankly, only the top four in our rankings thoroughly deserve to stay one week. The rest, well… they didn’t do their respective causes any good.

If it were just on merit, Paige would be a sure thing. Against All Odds should be an unforgivable offense, resulting in an immediate boot. And yet, however… I can’t completely discount her staying. She’s still not splitting votes with anyone else. As we’ve all learned in the past, a bottom three stint can actually help the following week.

That brings us to the next in line. Andrew Garcia. He was almost as bad as Paige was. He won’t have the dead cat bottom three bounce. He has consistently gotten worse since the season has started. This is not a formula for success.

I haven’t checked what the Idolsphere consensus is, but I’m guessing it’s calling for a Paige boot. I’ll call this week an “upset” and say Andrew is gone. He peaked in Hollywood, for crying out loud.

TIG pick: Andrew Garcia to go home.

After last week’s temporary bout with insanity, this week the collective Idol voting base returned a sane verdict. As I predicted, Lacey Brown was sent packing. She wasn’t the weakest this week, but she wasn’t particularly good either and her collective body of work so far has been… weak, to say the least. It was a perfectly justifiable boot.

However, it seems to be that in Idol-land someone always has to be holding the proverbial Idiot Ball. 19E and Fox have picked it up, and they’ve picked it up with a vengeance.

First things first: the Judge’s Save, also known as the Lambert-Gokey Insurance Policy. TPTB rolled back almost all of the rule changes from last year, why didn’t they include the unlamented save?  The answer, of course, is for the drama. However, I’ve always maintained that the Idol format by itself is plenty dramatic enough. You don’t need to add any forced drama.

The real idiocy, though… is in the theme. Teen Idol Week? Really? Out of all the possible genres of music in the world, you had to choose that? It seems to be that Idol’s long-running love affair with the tween fanbase is back in full force. This is a fanbase that can’t get enough out of Disney singers like Miley Cyrus, Demi Lovato, and the Jonas Brothers; and clearly Katie Stevens – this season’s Chosen One early one – was picked with that market in mind.

Unfortunately, however, Katie got exposed early as a subpar singer, throwing those plans into chaos. The conspiracy theorist in me wonders if this theme was originally supposed to push Katie; instead it has turned into a golden opportunity for song rearrangement. This was the kind of challenge that the likes of David Cook or Kris Allen frequently thrived on. If someone not named Siobhan Magnus or Crystal Bowersox wants to prove themselves, this is going to be a good week to do it.

This being Idol, however, what we are likely to end up with, however, is a cheesefest to end all cheesefests. Oh boy. Is there anyone out there who likes this theme and isn’t a tween?